Day 1

My life SUCKS! Not my complete life, just the financial aspects of it. And so today I take the first step towards recovering my finances! I have debt, there is no doubt. I owe some very old student loans, I am sure there are some old medical bills, and possibly some utility bills from years ago. (10 of the last 12 years I had no income and was unable to pay on anything.) I don't have much income - in fact I am below the Federal Poverty level (more than 25% below the poverty level, to be more precise) - so getting things paid off will be very hard for me. But I am determined to get my life back, no matter the cost. And step 1 is to find out how much debt I really have. *sigh*

I wrote letters to the 3 credit reporting agencies: Experian, TransUnion, and Equifax. I asked them to send me copies of my credit reports so that I can begin to recover my credit. As I said before, I don't have much income. I have begun cutting down expenses. I don't have TV, my major expenses are internet (which my phone runs through), utilities on the house, car insurance, and gas for the car. My other expenses include paying off a vet bill (will be paid in March), my car payment (paid in May), and a cellphone bill. Which may have to be given up if my hours at work don't pick up and I can't find another job to supplement my income.

I work part-time at a fast food place. i have been there for 15 months now, and I am considered a valuable employee. I have gotten the store three 100% marks on our secret shopper, and I have consistently received glowing reviews and raises every time it rolls around (usually every 3 months). I have been approached by one of the managers about becoming one of them, but nothing has come of that. I also made mention of my desire to move up to the owner. There are only so many more raises I can get as an hourly employee before I am capped off salary-wise. By my estimation, that would be about another 6 months. But for now, with business being so slow, I am getting hardly any hours at all. And I really only need 100 a month to squeak by on my bills.

I am doing a few other things to help, but they are slow going. I belong to a handful of survey sites, and I have a couple that I am able to cash out on a regular basis. Still it's just enough money to cover gas or pay for the luxuries of life - like toilet paper. I clip and use coupons. I have started thinking of knitting hats for an etsy store, and selling items from around the house on ebay. At least in December I will be able to reduce my car insurance! But so far, I'm barely keeping my head above water. Like so many other Americans. And I'm tired of it. So here we go!

Eyes Wide Open, I Think....

So there's this guy.... and how many times have rough patches started with these words? But anyway, there's this guy. His name is Scott. Scott lives just north of me, about an hour I guess. Scott and I met on Facebook through a group for one of the games we play. I should probably say I play - he doesn't farm any more. We've been friends for a few weeks now, and it looks like we're gonna have our first date this weekend. I'm driving up there, he's paying for the gas. This came about tonight on a webcam chat. Scott has his problems. He's been very up front with me about some of them. He got a DUI last fall when he totaled his truck that his dad had bought him. Since then, he says, his life has gone downhill. He has been married 3 times, and his daughters don't appear to have much to do with him. He says he is crap to them. He has a lot of pain in his life, and as a result, he drinks all weekend. he says he doesn't really drink during the week, but he was pretty sloshed tonight on cam. He does work, works hard, makes good money. But as soon as he punches the clock at the end of the work week, he starts drinking and doesn't stop until bedtime on Sunday.

Scott is attracted to me, not sure what it is yet. And he's a good looking man. Yes, I am attracted to him. But there are some interesting things happening. First, he says he is looking for a reason not to drink. I am not foolish enough to think that I can stop his drinking, or that I will fill the void in his life so that he WILL stop.  Second, he smokes pot. Again this is something that he says he does to fill the void in his life. He says he doesn't have a problem not doing these things when I am around, and he says he will be just fine functioning when I can't come up there and be with him. I am not so sure about that. But that is neither here nor there at the moment. Another thing he is looking for me to fill is the intimacy void. He is often talking about me laying my head "on the S" (he has a Superman symbol tattooed on his chest), he want's someone to hold. And yes there is the innuendo, so I am aware that sex could come into play.

So here's the thing. I have also talked to Scott briefly when he is sober. I like him. He is far too quiet (very shy, he says) but he is respectful and seems to regret some of the things he says when drunk. Nothing really offended me, just worried me at times because I had no idea what he was mumbling or got upset at. (That happened once or twice, but he got over whatever it was pretty quickly.) There is something inside him that attracts me. It's not the money he sort of waved under my nose (I'll pay for the gas to come see me, I know how to make a woman feel like a princess). It's not the neediness he has, admitting to trying to fill a void with alcohol and pot. There's something under all that, just a little light in there. And that light is part of what attracts me to him.

Scott has decided we need to chat more via webcam before we meet. I am perfectly ok with that. I am hoping that he will see that people see inside him  and not just the surface stuff. Thought the teeth thing is a bit hard to miss.

Company...

They say fish and visitors smell in 3 days... well, at least with one of my visitors, it was within a few hours. My Bestie Sue is visiting Georgia for a month. I finally got her here 2 days ago. She brought her oldest daughter and a friend with her. Maddy is almost 16, but she acts about 10 sometimes. within 12 hours of arriving here, Maddy had several meltdowns. One was right after they got here, and I have no clue what is was about. Then yesterday morning, they involved: Maddy not wanting to get up so they could go to World of Coke, Maddy getting yelled at for not getting up earlier, Maddy not bringing pants that fit, Maddy starting her period and not having any supplies for it, and Maddy not getting into her dress and leggings fast (she was seriously dragging her feet). Brandy, the 17 yr old they brought with them, acts like a young woman, doesn't put up with Maddy's crap or anything. I hate to say it, but if Maddy wasn't here (or at least acted more like a teenager than a spoiled 10 year old), things would be a lot less stressful there. I am supposed to take them back to Winder (to Sue's friend Wendy's) tonight after I get done at work and take Spazzie to the vet again, but I am really hoping she can get someone to come get her.Or at least meet me halfway. With the way traffic gets on Friday nights, it is going to take forever to get  them back, and then it will be almost dark before I can even start for home. I love Sue, and I wish I had more time with her, but I am looking forward to getting rid of Maddy, spending some alone time in the house with my kitties. I know Spazzie is stressed, and maybe when they go we'll have a better time getting him to eat and drink and take his pills. Right now it's a fight every time. I am about to leave for work in a few minutes, and I am leaving them all sleeping. Sue decided that, even though the girls wanted to go to the library today. To be honest I am kinda glad. I don't want to have to worry about finding them when I get off work, and I don't want to deal with the stress of getting Maddy up again.

Frustrations and limitations

It has been a difficult couple of months. So much has happened in my extended family I don't know what to do. Jessi delivered Christopher Luke 7 weeks early, going into labor during the hour and a half drive home from the baby shower I gave here. He spent the first 5 weeks of his life in NICU, and we had some times trying to get him to eat so he could come home. He finally came home last week and nobody's life has been the same since. Jessi still calls me daily to check in and give me an update, or to ask what she should do in a situation, such as him not sleeping well at night,

Stewart came close to meltdown point, frustrated with his dead end job and lack of social life. But a few talks with me and one with my Mom and he has decided to look into schooling in another field. He feels better most of the time.

Dad has been having some serious dizzy spells since his surgery to remove the blockage in his carotid artery. Some days he is fine, some days he doesn't move much. He is getting older and not doing well. Mom hangs in there as best she can.

Christopher's father and Jessi are having some issues. I think if they tried communicating with each other more, they have a great opportunity to make a wonderful life for him. Jessi's boyfriend Kenneth genuinely loves her and Christopher, but he doesn't want to stand between Christopher and his dad. I am hoping that over time they can learn to parent together.

Last week, my car died. Not really died, but the suspension is shot. it is going to cost $1000 to fix it. The lead I had on a place that will help me get a car fell through completely. butch and Lynn have really helped me ever so much over the past year with repairs and making payments, taking me places when I needed to go, and I am now driving their car. but Butch needs the car because his truck needs some repairs. He has been having a rough time of it, and my having the spare car is a hardship on them.

I am so frustrated I could cry. I don't have any money saved for a down payment, I am right now living from paycheck to paycheck, not even making enough to pay the $300 a month rent to my uncle... I don't know what to do. I haven't even got an idea on how to buy a car. I am tired again of the way things are here, I wish I could just go back home and live with my mom to save up money, but there's just no room. :(

What to do with myself....

It's been so long since I posted on here, but I have feelings to express that I just can't with the world watching. See, last week, I got a friend request from an ex. I added him... and my life hasn't been the same. Rob and I were sort of engaged up until about 2 years ago. He has so much going on in his life - middle management for Kellogg's, single parent to a 10-year-old son and two more grown kids, plays in a band - and he is all the way across the country, so it was really hard on me. I just wanted more of his time than I guess he could give. But since that add request last week, I can't stop thinking about him. He makes me feel like the only woman in the world when we talk, I feel beautiful just like I am, and he always tells me how beautiful my smile is. He knows about my past and it doesn't matter to him. My biggest problem is me. Rob is like an addiction for me. I want more of him, more of his time, just more. He could either be the best thing to happen to me, or the worst thing. I could easily see myself losing all focus except for him. And aside from having that happen to me, I am also scared that he doesn't feel as seriously as I have begun to feel. I envision emptying myself out for him and then either having my heart broken or just not caring and continuing on trying to please him. And I don't like that. We were sort of engaged, and by that I mean the words were said and plans starting to be made, but he didn't seem too broken up when I told him that I couldn't do it any more. I don't like the uncertainty of not knowing, but I do like the way he makes me feel. Even the girl I work with says I have a glow about me when I talk about him. I wish I had the faith that all will work out the way I want, then I will be able to just go with the feelings....

Hmmm....

Today, after getting on the scale and discovering I now weigh more than when I started my diet, and after discovering yesterday I have split a seam on the side of a pair of pants, I finally went to the Lord and asked Him what I am supposed to do. I actually got on my face on my yoga mat, cats sniffing around me, and gave up on trying to figure it out. And then I went about my day, waiting for some sort of answer. I know my health is at risk, and there are health issues that run in my family, but that doesn't seem to be enough incentive to me. And then I got a text from a friend asking me to pray for her health. I have some people I pray for, but the list grows and grows. And I feel like God is saying to me that He wants me to focus on my health and my prayer life this month. I mentioned (again) that I need money to take care of my needs (not like He doesn't know already) and He said He would take care of them, as long as I did what He told me to do. And so now to take a step out in faith...

Discontentment

Or maybe is discouragement. Or disillusionment. I don't know. But I know I am not feeling peaceful contentment at the moment. I don't know what to do about a lot of things in my life. I get easily frustrated with people who claim to be Christians but they are skipping down the Primrose Path straight to hell. They are letting anyone who claims to be speaking or prophesying in the name of God, and they don't bother to to check them out, check it against the Word, or listen to anyone that suggests they do either. They rely on their own 'senses' and so not only head down that road, but take baby Christians with them. Stop taking someone's claims that they went to heaven or hell as gospel truth! Joel Osteen doesn't know how to get to heaven! Don't believe someone that claims God wants you to be rich! I just want to shake them! Instead I tend to explode and cry because I can't get through to them. I want to be a solid Christian, not just a good one. I want to check every spirit and teaching against the Word. I want to love them, but also to turn them from the path to hell. And I just don't know how to do it.